Reviews by Matt

The lineup for Springfest 2009 was announced on Monday, and it looks to be one of the more interesting lineups in the history of the event. On Friday, May 1, heavy metal legends Black Sabbath will open for county music star Taylor Swift at the start of their “Never Saw It Coming Tour.”

“It may seem like an odd pairing, but we have more in common than people realize,” Swift said. “We both have been through tough times in our lives. I’ve had my heart broken by a Jonas Brother, and Ozzy has been super addicted to drugs. We can both relate to pain.”

When reached for comment, Ozzy mumbled something unintelligible and yelled his wife’s name.

“I chose Ozzy for my opening act because he was my musical inspiration. The only reason I chose country over heavy metal was because I couldn’t bite the head off a bat. Plus, country music is so much easier to write,” Swift said.

There will be a preshow of classical music-inspired interpretative dance and Manny the yodeling howler monkey. They are even inviting attendees to come on stage and be a part of the interpretative dance session.

“Just be aware of Manny,” said Brian Fellows, a zoologist at the Buffalo Zoo. “He is easily spooked and tends to attack the face of anyone making sudden movements.”

“We wanted to do something that spans all tastes,” Sharon Osbourne said when she picked up the phone that Ozzy had apparently dropped after trying to eat it and realizing it wasn’t food. “We wanted to bring the country music crowd and the heavy metal crowd together. These are groups of people who were destined to be together.”

Both artists have stated that if they can get their fans to mingle, they believe anything is possible.

“We might even be able to put a man on the moon one day,” Swift said.

Sabbath and Swift have even planned a few duets to wow the crowd. Swift will sing “Iron Man” and “Crazy Train” with Ozzy and the band and Ozzy will sing with Swift on her hits, “Teardrops on My Guitar” and “Love Story.”

“We have a lot of cool stuff planned. I don’t want to give it all away, but there are going to be some very unexpected things.

Ritual animal sacrifice is not out of the question,” Swift said. She even hinted that there might be a burning of an effigy of her ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas.

“I feel my fans will be very open to this new collaboration,” Swift said. “I think I appeal to a mass audience. You don’t just have to be a teenager to like my stuff. I am sure I have many fans who are in biker gangs, dress all in black and carve anarchy symbols into their foreheads.”

Ozzy sees things differently, or at least that is what Sharron said. “Ozzy knows that the tweens who are Swift fans are going to be a little surprised to hear Sabbath’s heavy guitar sound, but they will learn to love it.”

The choice to kick off their tour here at Buffalo State College is not one many saw coming. “That’s why we chose this place,” Sharon said, “It epitomizes the idea of the tour. Who knew that a school could have so many students and so few places to park? I didn’t see that coming.”

For the first time ever, students will be able to use their meal cards to pay for the event. “We felt it was time to stop having the students spend money on crappy food. Do you even know how much money we get in unspent meal plans? Last year alone we got enough to pay for all the construction we’re about to do,” said Kris A. Kaufman, the director of residence life.

This idea has been met with gratitude from much of the student population.

“I was just going to start buying lunch for hobos and other random strangers,” said Craven Morehed, a senior in the psychology department. “Now I can take them to the show after a nice dinner in the union.”

“I don’t even like Taylor Swift or Black Sabbath, but I’ll buy as many tickets as I can just so I do not have to give the school any more money. I might just scalp the tickets and make a profit on this,” said Phil McCrackin, a junior biology major.

Though the paring has come as a shock to many of the students on the campus, they remain optimistic as to the potential these two performers have.

“I can’t wait to see what these two have planned. Never in my life did I think that my two favorite acts would perform together,” said Ben Dover, a senior biology major. “I have always been ashamed to admit my love of country and heavy metal, but now I can blast both Sabbath and Swift as I drive to campus everyday.”

No one could have ever predicted this pairing, but it is happening, and it is happening here on this very campus.
Ilene Dover just shook her head when she heard the news and said, “This has got to mean the end of the world.”

Tickets are $20, but with the meal card, the tax will be taken off. Tickets can be picked up at the box offices in the union or Rockwell Hall. If using your meal card, you are asked to go to any one of the food service places in the union and get them there.